Today my heart is heavy

and my hands are shaking. The service starts tonight at 5 p.m., I hope this day drags on forever but I'm sure it won't. This will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I'm not sure that I'll be able to contain my tears. I'd like to think that I will never have to do anything harder than this, but sadly I fear that this is not true. I'm sure I'll have to do this again, just as I have before. Everytime I think it's going to be the hardest and last funeral I have to go and it never is.
I don't really even have the time to be typing this out, but eh when have I ever worried about time management before. THe service is today at 5, M's party at school is at 3, her orentationis tonight at 7, the funeral is at 10 tomorrow and Neil and I leave for Vegas at 5. Holy hell when am I going to pack?!

Such a waste

Today the world lost a great person, and I lost a friend. Richard Dale Cook will die today. It hasn't happened yet, but it will tonight when they unplug the machine that is keeping him alive. Or maybe he is already dead, I can't imagine a free spirit like Ricky would want to be in the hospital bed for days on end with no end in sight. I can sit here and picture his mother's face crying over her baby son, his father's eyes at the thought of the son that he's groomed to take his place in the family business that is no longer with us. Then my heart breaks at the thought of his son, losing his father. Never being able to say goodbye and my heart aches for his and the pain he's going have, the questions he's going to ask. And the answers that we can't give. We don't know why, it seems like such a pointess death, but still I have to believe that there's a reason. If there isn't a reason then he dies in vein and I don't want to think that. I love you Ricky, you'll always be in my heart and I'll think of you often.